Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
