i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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