According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
