I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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