dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
