he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
