The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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