Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
