I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
