id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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