my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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