I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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