My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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