Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
