Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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