if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
