running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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