Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
