If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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