just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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