All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
