If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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