After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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