So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
