So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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