i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Holy shit dude........stairs
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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