did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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