dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
