The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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