i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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