Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
