How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
