The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
