I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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