The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Houston, we have a squirter
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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