Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
