God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
