I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
