6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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