I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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