Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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