She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
