I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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