Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I deserve this hangover.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
