ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
