remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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