So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
