we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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