I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
