You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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