good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
