I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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