You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
